How to make your Marriage work,
and keep working....
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Marriage is a vow between two people, before God, friends and family and each other, to promise to stay beside one another no matter what the circumstances.
In today's day and age, it almost seems like Marriage is taboo. I am remembering a conversation that I had with a friend, who is going through a break-up of sorts, with a guy who is running scared from Marriage. Her quote to me was, "This generation doesn't believe in marriage and is putting a stop to what marriage is." I kind of took offense to this, until I remember her grief and heart break talking.
I don't agree. I married my Hubby at age 26. He was only 27. We were "old" in my eyes. But, none of our friends were walking down the isle. The funny thing is, they still aren't. I believed in the vow of marriage. I married my best friend, not for that piece of paper or the change of my name, but because this person was the person who I wanted by my side in my journey through life. I wanted to wake up next to him and fall asleep in his arms. I wanted that bond that was already formed between us to keep growing, which is what that piece of paper has done. It just made the bond that much stronger between us and the fight a little more intense to hold onto it all.
So, for me, I got my man. I got the wedding, the house and the kids to match. I have a great life and our lines of communication are open at all times. That being said. I think it is important to figure out some tips of what works for others and how to keep it all working so not to be a statistic.
For my Hubby and I, we are always working together and there are no secrets. Everything remains opened and honest and feelings are put on the table, good and bad. We work through everything together. That being said, we do have our moments. Frustration does occur and it is a normal process to deal with, but what remains important is how you handle the situation during and more than likely, after!
But here are some tried and true tips:
Compromise- find a half way point or let one another be open to new ideas. I can relate to this because old Gray Gables here is being neglected. I had asked Hubby if I can start looking at contractors to come in and "finish" a few things up. He was stubborn as all get out and kept telling me NO! Well, persistence is my middle name. So, I asked again the other day, with the term Quotes, many of them, and he said OK, you can get quotes and we can go from there. Guess what, win-win! I am happy because there might be a chance, if the work and price are right!
Acceptance- don't try to change your Man. No matter how many years pass by, I know who I married. Yes, he has surprised me over the years by wearing a few different "hats" , but all in all he is still the same person that I started dating over 12 years ago. And honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. He is stubborn and a pain in the butt sometimes too, but we work well together and have our own system in play that makes it all work for us.
Spend time together- this one has been a challenge for Hubby and I as of late. We are working different shifts and literally seem to be saying Hi and Bye M-F. He still has to work on Saturdays, and I try to let him get solid sleep and sleep in so that he is at least getting 2 days of good rest without kids. But, that doesn't leave much time for me. Sundays seem to be the only time, and even then, it is never just the two of us. It's OK though, we are making it work and finding snippets of time either text or on the phone to "catch up." Sundays are family days and I make sure to touch a little more and kiss when the urge hits me. I have learned that it isn't necessarily about how much physical time you spend together alone, but how much time you make for one another.
Communicate- which goes hand in hand with Spending Time together. We are great communicators, well, most of the time. I do have my moments, OK, last night, where I will try to act like everything is fine, even though my kids are not adjusting well to the time change and it took me until 10pm to get them to bed and BOY was I stressed! I didn't want to share because I was frustrated and angry and he pulled it out of me, but then it was done. Just upsetting to get it out of me. I just knew I was mad and did not want to project my anger towards him. But, we dealt with it and no one was yelling or screaming or anything, just talking and working through it. We talk about everything. We discuss what gets paid and when, we talk about the kids, dog, cars, whatever might happen to fall from our brains and even if it sounds so stupid, we still talk about it with one another.
Last but not least, Pick your Battles! This one I have learned, probably in my fourth or fifth year of marriage I really used this tactic and it works. I am happier, he is happier and in the end, a discussion ensures, instead of a battle. I have been known to get hyper about mundane issues, hot topics and so forth and until I stepped outside of our battles, in which we did have a time of full on battles laced with tons of tears, did I realize that one question that I think everyone asks themselves once in their lifetime- "what are we even fighting about?"
I grew up in a house with two parents, yes, they are still together, 35 years later, where they would fight to fight. A bad day at work meant a bad night at home. I vowed to myself at an early age to NEVER have this type of home in my adult life, nor would I put my own children through this agony. It was not far from hell growing up in that environment, not to make my Parents feel bad, but it was rough and left scars emotionally on my forever. I was always told to not repeat and I took that and ran with it!
So, I pick my battles. If I am passionate about it, my Hubby seems to take the reins and picks the battle in his favor and in the end it has resulted in less screaming matches and more calmness and sitting down to discuss the issue and usually cry about the reasons why it worked us up so much.
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In Marriage, you are always growing, always evolving and changing. There are things that Work for some, that don't for others and vice-versa. The big picture is figuring out what works for your relationship and never forgetting. Times are going to be rough, you are going to be challenged but that is how you grow together. Hubby and I vowed before God to fight, together. We vowed not to give up or give in and we have found ways to ensure that our life will end together. We are not led with jealousy or hatred or grudges from the past but instead look to each day as a new day and a new adventure in this life, together. Plus, I married my best friend so everyday is the best!
Good luck in all things related to LOVE and don't lose sight of what marriage is. If you met a person who melts your heart and who keeps you up at night, hold on tight. Don't discredit matrimony because you are scared or because it didn't work for you or someone else in the past. Live in the present. Marriage to me is spending my life with my best friend and lover and not losing sight of those attributes that made me fall in love. Everyday I am still falling in love.
~KEL~
