The TODAY I will someday want BACK!

Waiting for the Bus- my girls September 2014

So many days pass by. They pass by so fast, like life is a toilet and with a flush, this day is done and we have moved onto the next. 

Some days we just want to be held, to relish the moments of today, but we are unable to find enough time for a simple hug, let alone a moment to stop and find ourselves. 

With children, we are dealing with the struggles of one kid being grumpy, loud, wild, obnoxious and all we want them to do is go play, be carefree and for the love of God, stop arguing with one another! These are the "Mommy Needs a Break" moments! 

It sounds terribly selfish, in the light of day. They are only children for a minuet second- literally! There is going to be a time when we will be begging for the opportunity to be "involved" in our children's lives. 

The time will come when you will no longer be asked to color that picture, you know the one. You will be half way through coloring when you child/children decide that they have had enough...then your sitting at the table alone...still coloring. You won't have to read any longer because they can do it themselves and then, with a shock to your whole system, you realize that you are no longer, so, needed.

Then there is the realization that the time will come when I would give anything to be able to just sit down so I would have energy enough to do all the things they ask me to do just one more time...

Chaos is life right now. It is finding balance between work (which is at home) kids and chores like cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. The opportunity to just sit down only happens while I am working and it is far from a break.  Someone always needs something, so even then it is a series of up, down, up, down cardio until I find work peace around 10:00 a.m. on a good day. Something always needs cleaned up, someone always needs juice, water, milk, snack....a revolving door. 

One day I know I will look around my house, which will be much different than it is today and wish for little people to be present, needing me. Or the little messes which are all around, no matter how many times I ask for it to be cleaned up, will no longer be there, there will be nothing left for me to constantly do. Lifeless.

Moments happen when the feeling of defeat hits hard. I can't possibly wipe one more butt, clean a mess, wipe a face, pick up that bin of dress up clothes that trails from one room to the next. The moment when these tasks are finally finished are short lived as I walk unexpectedly onto the next disaster!
But, I am understanding that my need to be needed is greater than all else. 

I will miss this.  

I will yearn for this...one day.

We still have nights of restless and sleeplessness. We have the up and down, one more hug, I need a kiss, more water, potty please and it feels like we have danced for fifteen songs. Patience reaps within me knowing that I long for those hugs, kisses, the need to help to give to be there. I know my days are numbered at this age, this time and place in life and one day it will stop.

The nights when they stay with Grandparents ping that reality within, as I pace, trying to find something to keep me busy, trying to find something to occupy my sudden free time that has been such a stranger for six long years. 

The silence is deafening. I miss them.

Motherhood is like a magician, the most tiring and sometimes...most dreadful duties actually hold the biggest blessings. It is like a handkerchief turning into a rose. It looks ordinary, messy, dull and boring but it is simply filled with magic, it just takes sometime to appreciate that hidden message.

Embrace this, all of this. The struggles, the exhaustion, the juggling of a million things at once just to survive.  

One day, everything will start to slow down, simplify, just a little, then a little more and eventually it all comes to a stop. The pause button does not exist, rewind is not an option and don't even think about a do-over.  

Today will be gone. 

9 months

6 years old

I have had my moment. Looking at the pictures of this adorable baby. My first born. Seeing her first smiles, sleeping while we were feeding her, watching her learn to walk, talk and sing.  Feeling her need for her Mom.  Yesterday she turned six. Yes, she still needs her Mom, but everyday it is less and less. She is independent, strong and wants to try everything herself, testing herself...leaving Mom in the stands.  

Of course, I am her biggest cheerleader.  To see her growing up so fast makes me appreciate time a little more with my youngest.  It helps me find more patience than I know I ever had with her. 

There is not a do-over button. 

The girls & Mom 2014

~Kel

Let's Write- Day 29

The end of one story marks the beginning of another. I think that this is important as we are embarking on the end of our writing challenge, which will only be replaced by another, whether it is a writing challenge or a challenge of a different kind. 

I think that this can be said with most things in life.  The end is never the end, unless you let it be. Instead, think of the end of one chapter, the beginning of another.  If you are unhappy in the current chapter, re-write the next- you have that power! 

It is Day 29- we have two words left and I feel like my story has not even gotten off of the ground yet. Imagine that- after 1 entire month of writing and I have not even planted my feet in in the sand. We have characters, we have a plot but we are missing so many pieces, still having so many holes that we have yet to fill. 

Ready?

Set?

*****

Writing Challenge- WORD OF THE DAY:

CRUSH

So much was swirling through my head, as much of this investigation, over the past month has been.  It has been difficult to see myself in such a vulnerable state. Me.  I was tough. I was determined. I was a damn good detective.  I guess that was the thing that made me laugh the most. How many other detectives thought they were damn good? Probably all of them, right.  

I was stalking down the hall. My feet moving faster than my body. I knew that I had to find Mac. I had to put the pieces together and find how they fit.  Who had done this to my sister? Who had shot me? I knew that Char was with me. I felt her presence as I left the Captain's office.  I smelled her perfume from when we were last together, it was something sweet and fragrant with a hint of musk.  I was not a fan of smelling things, I wouldn't dare to ask what the scent was, but it was Charlotte, through and through.  I felt perplexed that this would be a memory for me of my baby sister. I would hold onto her scent. 

I hadn't spoken to my Parents, not since I found out what they knew. Danny, of all people.  My high school sweetheart, a person who was around my family in my most vulnerable state. If my father ever knew Danny had put his hands on me, I think that is the irony. If my Father had known, Charlotte still would be married to him. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, with whom she wanted.  She was her own person and that was something that we would always remember, honor about her. Had Danny treated Charlotte like he had me? Was he cheating on her? Leading another life right in front of her eyes? Had he hurt her? 

I stopped in my tracks. I knew that this was good. This was what a good detective did- they processed, they took notes. analyzed and built their case. This was who I was.  I took my stylus out of my phone and started jotting these very questions into my S Note app.  I was standing against the wall, nose to the screen in the stark white halls of the precinct.  

"Kat, you OK." 

I looked up to see Mac standing next to me, watching me. 

"I am OK. I had questions building in my head that I needed to put to paper." I said and I showed him my phone. 

"Ahh. I see.  Everything OK with the boss?"

"Sure. I had to tell him everything and he put a spin on it all. It was a perspective I had not thought of. I am more out of it than I had realized."

"Kat, you are going through a lot right now." he said gently. "I do have news."

I looked into his blue eyes, waiting, baiting him for more information. 

"They were able to get specs from the bullet." 

I just kept looking into his eyes. I needed to know what the gun was. On a prayer, a linger of hope, I was sure it would be the same gun that Danny had used, or attempted to use on me, the one that I had struggled to get from him, threatened him with. I will never forget that gun, the 9 millimeter subcompact semi-automatic Springfield armory black beauty. I still remembered the way it felt, the heaviness of it, the feel of it in my hands, the power it help to know that I was holding Danny's life in my hands, not the other way around. 

"9 mm, two rounds confirmed fired, one grazing your hip, the other gaining entry, lodging itself in you." 

Something about the way he stated that caused chills to shiver up my body. This was real. A 9 mm meant something. 

"Do we have gun make/model?"

"They were still working on examining the markings they found on the bullet. Stuart was explaining how different guns left different marking, he explained it like data left behind or something." Mac was laughing at this in-dept, techie talk that was more like a foreign language to us than much else.

"So, there is a chance?"

"Yup, sure is." 

I pushed my hands together, in prayer. I needed this. We needed this. This would be huge. 

"What are the chances that Danny still has that old gun?" I said before I could stop myself.

"There is no record of it changing hands. He had it registered with purchase, but you know how that goes. He could have sold it without a sale or registration."

"Yes, but is he that smart." I was thinking, wheels turning, spinning inside my head. I was sure that God was trying to tell me something, Charlotte was giving me the directions, I just had to find my way.

Mac stood close to me.  He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Kat, let me take you to dinner." 

I know he did this so no one would hear, but we were alone in a desolate hallway. Not a soul was near.  "Sure, where to?" I asked. 

That is when we heard it.  The door creaked, slammed hard.  We stopped and looked, waiting for someone to walk from the stairs, before we heard the hard footsteps descending further down.  

Mac moved first, hustling towards the door.  It was a feeling that we both had that something was off. Something or someone was up to something- it was just that question of us being paranoid cops or keen on our instincts? 

***

She would never know it was me, not if I had a say in it. I would never disclose that I had killed her sweet sister. If only she knew that the whore had to die for me to kill her.  They were both whores. Her and the crush she had on her partner.  Wasn't that against Police protocol?  I had to find out.  That would be grounds of ruining her life.  That was the goal, after all, wasn't it?  She had ruined mine.  Everything was fine before she went putting her nose in business that did not have anything to do with her.  Bitch.  She would learn.  That bullet should have taught her, instead it acted as fuel. Bitch.  She would die.  I would make sure of it.  

I had heard enough.  I turned and knocked the door, causing it to slam. Maybe they would not hear it? Maybe they would not think anything of it?  Ah, who the hell was I kidding. This was Katraina Cale, super detective. She would be paranoid as all hell by now and come running. I had to go, get out of there before I was caught and this whole thing turned into a shit storm. 

The games were just beginning for Katrina and the poor thing did not even have a clue. What a great detective you are, Detective Kat. The time has come to expose you for the crook and manipulator that you are.  You think that you can blackmail me, I will always own you. That much you will see. The games have just begun.

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Good luck writing all!

~Kel

It's Day 30....Write On...

It is just starting!  Day 30.  Who is ready to write?  I am!  I woke up early, refreshed and ready to break ground. 

Today is also super exciting because my oldest is SIX! 

My Big Girl is 6 today!  2/4/2015

Now, without further a-do!  

**************

Day 30 Writing Challenge Word of the Day:

DOOR

The door slammed shut. That is the last thing that I remembered. What happened next was being played out in front of me as if I were in a dream, only I was still awake. 

Mac was flying and I was working hard to catch up, or nearly stay close. He is fast. My heart is beating, thumping beyond my chest. It feels as if my heart could jump out into the world. My legs were moving down the stairs as I stayed focused on the steps, trying to hang onto the railing so I did not trip and fall, tumbling to my death. 

Mac was shouting that he had eyes. Being partners with someone for such a long time let me know that he was referring to the person. He sounded urgent, knowing. I knew I had to hustle. 

The end was near. I could see the white linoleum floor at the bottom through the middle of the stairwell. Mac was now out of sight. 

I heard a door open at the bottom, near enough to hear the foot shuffles exiting. Then. Everything was quiet.  I was still a floor up, moving as fast as my feet would let me, stuck in the stillness of the empty stairwell. 

I heard shuffling.  I thought it was my own feet shuffling as I made my way to the door at the bottom that was getting closer with each step I took. I felt the pain in my head before I saw the shoes. The pain was excruciating. My head throbbed. I could no longer think. Everything kept going dark, then light. I felt blood rushing and knew that it was coming down my face, into my eyes as I started to see the stairwell in red. I heard nothing, not a sound. Shuffling started to happen again as I felt myself being pulled. I closed my eyes and prayed for Mac. 

Let's Write- Day 28

Well, it is the second day of February.  

Punxsutawney Phil decided TODAY that there will be 

six more weeks of winter. 

Well, not exactly what we were planning on hearing..right!  I always say that it is an oxymoron anyways because what is the difference between 6 more weeks of winter or 6 more weeks till spring? RIGHT!

Hubby's car buried!

SnowPlow taken hostage!

Anyways, it is COLD, WINDY, and SNOW DRIFTS line our driveway, making schools closed, businesses closed and in our case, our cars stuck in the driveway!  Hubby went out and snowplowed last night around 4P and again after 11P and yet, this morning, the snow blower looks like this:

How are we all doing with the Writing Challenge? 

We are coming to the end.  I will be sad to stop this write on command style because I think that it has really taught me to think outside of the box and on the fly, so to speak, with what word is next and how I might incorporate within the story. 

Let's get to it!

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Writing Challenge word of the day:

WINDOW

I stepped back as I realized the ramifications of what had just happened. It had to happen, it had been building up, that much I now knew. It was meant to happen, but not here, not like this.  I grabbed his arm, showing him it was OK, I was OK.  He smiled at me, melting a part of me as he walked over to grab some files off of his desk in the other room. I looked around to see if we had been spotted, found out- but to my surprise, the office was rather dead and those who were present were preoccupied by duties and their own workload. Before I moved, I took one more pass to see if anyone acted as if they knew, without anything suspicious jumping out at me. 

"Captain." I said as I left the confines of the hall in which we had been when it happened. 

"Kat." he said in his jolly way, a smile beaming a crossed his reddened face. "Are we feeling better?"

"Yes Sir." I replied in my matter-of-fact tone that I usually had while in the office. "Feeling better and determined."

He looked at me, his smile fading. "Kat, you know that we are over a month out on this case. You know what the chances are of catching the person who did this.  It is getting grim, I don't want to say that, but it is my duty to be honest with you."

"Yes, Captain. I understand that fact, but there are avenues that have not been investigated yet. There are things that have been missed and information that was overlooked." 

"What are you eluding to? Someone on our department is not doing their job?"

"Right. Me. I have been so emotional, so overwhelmed that I have been skipping steps and missing the attention to detail part of my position."

"Kat, this hit close to home. I am objective to even having you work this case, be involved any more than a family member and this is the reason."

"I understand. I honestly do.  I see it from that point but recently things have been odd, strange and I am kind of disappointed that others did not see the clues."

"Like what?"

"Like, who shot me?  Why is the person's who had grown up in that house, who has direct ties to both myself and my sister, is not a suspect at this point and time."

"Whom are we discussing?" 

"Daniel Greer, for instance." 

"Kat, we have no reason to bring him in.  He was not with his wife at the time of her demise.  His alibi checked out, witnesses of three correlated his same story. Background check does not show anything to throw a red flag.  He is clean."

"How far did you dig?"

He looked at me, starring for a long moment. "Why do I have the feeling that there is more than what we can see?"

As if he were looking at a window, I reached for the arms of the chair to my right. I felt faint. I needed to sit as I relieved a story that I had just told to Mac, I had to account for my personal actions in a life that was far in the past. 

"How far back did you check?"

"We went back five years." 

"Did you come to the records of our marriage? Our divorce decree?"

"Marriage?  Kat, you were married to your Sister's husband?"

"My sister was married to my ex-husband, Sir. I had not known, and surly would have stopped her for reasons that would not be on any log." 

I had his attention now. 

"I had married Danny straight out of high school.  We had been young, to young for married life."  I had to retell my previous life, to be subject to the scrutinizing from my Superior. I sat back, letting him process the information, the details, as I had told them, as I remembered them. 

"Kat." he finally said.  "I am worried about disclosing this information, for obvious reasons! First, the media will have a field day with this. You and I both know this. They will flip this into a lover's quarrel or perhaps a jealous sister's rage."

I stopped in my tracks. I had not thought of this. I had not even processed the repercussions of disclosing this. "I didn't" is all I could say.

"I know. You want to paint a picture of his character, and I get that, but we will have to go about it in another way."

"Where was he when I was shot?"

This was the struggle. I was not dead, so it seemed that that fact was making the department suffer when it came to determining if a person was to be brought in for questioning, or if their deflated alibi was enough.  Once thing was for sure, a sorry story about being at the house where his late wife had tragically died, at the same time that I was shot and bleeding was not good enough, especially since there had been no witnesses to back up his story. I knew what I had to do. Find Mac.

______________________

Channeling a Writer- Day 27

Writing Challenge WORD OF THE DAY:

They say that there are seven deadly sins in life. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride.  They say that SIN is what separates us from God.  How does one person have more Sins than another? 

It was a new day, a new chapter. I felt so much lighter than I had yesterday. It always seemed that way when you expel something that you have hung onto for far to long.  

Our case was still wide open, that clock ticking as each new day past with nothing new on the table.  It seemed that Danny was an expert as hiding. This fact was something that did not surprise me. He did have an affair while still married to me and was obviously hiding the fact that he had murdered his pregnant wife, who just happened to be my baby sister. 

The results of the pregnancy test came back positive late last night.  The call came through, as I was laying on the couch in the comforts of my home, alone. Mac had left just after midnight, after I had laid the emotional bombshell on him.  I studied my notes for a few more hours before calling it a night, only to be woken by my phone shortly after I had finally drifted. I called Mac, waking him from his sleep. He was a cop, through and through. "Let's head to the station. I will be there to pick you up in a few." he had hung up before I could object. 

We headed in to find the results of a test that I already knew was positive, although I wished it were not. 

"Kat, sit." Stuart, the Lab tech said sternly.

"I am fine. She was, right." was all I could say. I was tied and snappy and tired of these Men always telling me what to do, and when to do it.

"Yes." he said in his serious tone. 

Stuart had been in the lab as long as I had been a detective. He was serious, all the time. It was all business with him and nothing else. 

"There is more.  She tested positive for heroin in the bloodstream. She was in her third trimester, approximately thirty weeks. It was a girl." 

Now, I sat. That was a lot of info and my brain was having an incredibly difficult time processing at this early hour with sleep on my mind. Mac was by my-side before I could even look up. 

"Anything else, Stuart." he said.

"No, that is all the information I have." Stuart said before he walked back through his glass door sanctuary.

"You OK?" Mac asked.

"Yes, I was somewhat prepared. I am just hurting for her. How does someone do this to a very pregnant woman?  I know in my heart, my soul that Daniel is behind this." 

"Daniel?" Mac said, his eyebrows raised. "You know that you have only referred to him as Danny, always." 

"I have severed all ties. He is just a person, a man, who I have no connection." 

Mac hugged me, kissing the top of my head. 

"He is not just a man.  He is a man with many Sins. Don't you forget that, or let down your guard. He wants your head on a platter, whether you want to acknowledge this or not. That goes for anyone else.  We need to build this case around him. It's time."

I knew it was. I had been putting my notes together with Daniel in mind, I was just trying to push through the emotional tie that I once had to this man. He had been my Husband. A person who I thought, in some stupid, childish way, that I would spend the rest of my life with.

"I know Mac, I have been trying. I need some help."  I said to him, reaching out my hand. 

He took it, pulling me to him before he looked into my eyes, piecing my soul and kissed me, deep and passionately. It felt right. For the first time in my life, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be.  It has taken damn near ten years to be right here.

*************************

Wow, thank goodness that finally happened. I mean, we have all been feeling there connection growing. Hopefully they do not get distracted, again, from the case. They need to catch this killer, this animal.

How are you all doing on this wonderful Sunday? 

We are BUSY in our house. My big girl turns SIX on Wednesday and Momma is baking up a storm! (a snow storm, literally!)

I am making cookies for her birthday party at school and since this is my first time with Royal Icing and I am really trying to make these cookies fancy..I am taking my time- step by step. I made my sugar cookie dough the other night and let it chill in the fridge since. This morning I did my cut outs and either tonight or tomorrow I will work on the icing. I want to do this right and not rush through it! (OK, I am a little excited!)

We are also in the midst of the SnowPocalypse!  It is snowing like crazy here in OHIO and we are expected to get 15" throughout the day. 

Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow.

I hope that you are all doing good with the challenge. We are already in the HOME STRETCH, I can hardly believe it!

~KEL

Channeling a Writer: Day 26

It's another weekend and I have been busy!  Making changes in 2015 and I am in transition!  I am so ready for this change of career, which will also be a change for my life. OK, not ready to share the details just yet, but it is gaining popularity and will eventually allow me to have my own business. I apologize for having to be so vague, but details will emerge as things really start to take off!

Today I spent the day with my Momma and my crazy children.  We visited some local Antique shops and all I have to say is that it was a little:

 

for me with the girls!  Imagine a 3 yo and a 5 (almost 6) yo trying so hard NOT TO TOUCH...but sometimes they just could not help themselves. For instances, there is this Kimball piano that I have been looking at for about a month now. It is an 1890 Kimball and I am in love with it. It just needs A LOT of work. (the whole "is it worth it" question is haunting me) 

Well, my girls see a piano, and much like there Mother...they have to touch! AGHH...  It ended fine, but for a few moments, when listening ears were apparently OFF, I wanted to scream.

Anyways, enough about my family drama! We have business to deal with and let's face it...I am into Sunday right now and LATE.

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Our Challenge Word of the Day is:

com·rade

ˈkämˌrad,ˈkämrəd/

noun

1. a companion who shares one's activities or is a fellow member of an organization.

   synonyms:

   companion, friend; More

   • a fellow soldier or member of the armed services.

     noun: comrade-in-arms
   • a fellow socialist or communist (often as a form of address).

   
   
2. 
   

It has already been a long day.  I spent half of the morning explaining the person who was my sister's husband.  He had that look.  The one I knew I would get if I disclosed that I, Katherine the detective...was weak once in my life. It was the look that I dreaded and I knew Mac would not mean to give me the pity face, I knew he did not mean to look at me in the manner he currently was. It was reaction, human nature and I had to learn to not take it personally. 

"I just don't understand.  If I had known..." was all he said.  I knew how to finish that sentence...'if he had known, things would have went differently when we found Danny in my house that night.'

"I'm sorry." It was weak and I knew it, but it was all I had left to say. I had lied, built up an image of a person that was deceiving. I had nothing left.

"I get it. I do. I mean, you probably never told anyone. Did you, Kat? Did you tell anyone?"

I shook my head. It was so hypocritical of me. I dealt with cases like my own everyday. I had said the whole spiel about her life before his and how can a woman be so weak. I had said that. That bothered me, and I knew I had to walk, pace, while these thoughts, my own words were strangling me inside.

"I hope I am not upsetting you, Kat." 

"No." I said, short and sweet.

"I have never been on this end of things, ya know. I mean, I care for you and someone hurt you. Someone that I was kind to, leanent on had hurt you and I am just kind of in...shock?"

He stood up, grabbed me and hugged me. It was to much for my overloaded system. I choked back my tears until I just couldn't anymore. I did not feel pity for myself, or sorry for myself. I felt disgusted about myself. I broke down, giving all my emotions over to Mac to bear and he let me. He held me tight and let me expel my pent up tears until his nice, crisp blue polo shirt was wet on his shoulders. I tried to back up before he was soaked, but he held tighter, sh-ing in my ear, surprisingly soothing me to a calmer place.

Finally he pulled me to face him. We were face to face and it felt perfectly normal, as if it were something we had done a thousand times before. Like we had been huggers.  I was a bit uneasy. 

"Mac, listen.  I do not feel sorry for myself. I need to you understand that and not feel sorry for me either. Do you understand?"

I was firm, my voice much more steady than it had been previously. I had to make him understand that I was a fool, not stupid. I was not feeling bad about what had happened to me. I was not the victim.  

"Kat, I know you're strong. I don't want you to ever think that that fact is overlooked. But as much as you want to sit here and tell me not to feel sorry for you, you were the victim.  You did not simply let Daniel do that to you, he did it. It was out of your control and you need to understand that. You did something about it, something that shows your strength and that will never change the way that I look at you."

I shook my head. This man, my partner is my career just got me.

"Kat, you are my Comrade." he said smiling. 

I could not help but smile back.  I was his comrade, and he was mind.

******************************

  

~Kel