Life at Gray Gables: The TODAY I will someday want BACK!

Waiting for the Bus- my girls September 2014

So many days pass by. They pass by so fast, like life is a toilet and with a flush, this day is done and we have moved onto the next.

Some days we just want to be held, to relish the moments of today, but we are unable to find enough time for a simple hug, let alone a moment to stop and find ourselves.

With children, we are dealing with the struggles of one kid being grumpy, loud, wild, obnoxious and all we want them to do is go play, be carefree and for the love of God, stop arguing with one another! These are the "Mommy Needs a Break" moments!

It sounds terribly selfish, in the light of day. They are only children for a minuet second- literally! There is going to be a time when we will be begging for the opportunity to be "involved" in our children's lives.

The time will come when you will no longer be asked to color that picture, you know the one. You will be half way through coloring when you child/children decide that they have had enough...then your sitting at the table alone...still coloring. You won't have to read any longer because they can do it themselves and then, with a shock to your whole system, you realize that you are no longer, so, needed.

Then there is the realization that the time will come when I would give anything to be able to just sit down so I would have energy enough to do all the things they ask me to do just one more time...

Chaos is life right now. It is finding balance between work (which is at home) kids and chores like cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. The opportunity to just sit down only happens while I am working and it is far from a break. Someone always needs something, so even then it is a series of up, down, up, down cardio until I find work peace around 10:00 a.m. on a good day. Something always needs cleaned up, someone always needs juice, water, milk, snack....a revolving door.

One day I know I will look around my house, which will be much different than it is today and wish for little people to be present, needing me. Or the little messes which are all around, no matter how many times I ask for it to be cleaned up, will no longer be there, there will be nothing left for me to constantly do. Lifeless.

Moments happen when the feeling of defeat hits hard. I can't possibly wipe one more butt, clean a mess, wipe a face, pick up that bin of dress up clothes that trails from one room to the next. The moment when these tasks are finally finished are short lived as I walk unexpectedly onto the next disaster!
But, I am understanding that my need to be needed is greater than all else.

I will miss this.

I will yearn for this...one day.

We still have nights of restless and sleeplessness. We have the up and down, one more hug, I need a kiss, more water, potty please and it feels like we have danced for fifteen songs. Patience reaps within me knowing that I long for those hugs, kisses, the need to help to give to be there. I know my days are numbered at this age, this time and place in life and one day it will stop.

The nights when they stay with Grandparents ping that reality within, as I pace, trying to find something to keep me busy, trying to find something to occupy my sudden free time that has been such a stranger for six long years.

The silence is deafening. I miss them.

Motherhood is like a magician, the most tiring and sometimes...most dreadful duties actually hold the biggest blessings. It is like a handkerchief turning into a rose. It looks ordinary, messy, dull and boring but it is simply filled with magic, it just takes sometime to appreciate that hidden message.

Embrace this, all of this. The struggles, the exhaustion, the juggling of a million things at once just to survive.

One day, everything will start to slow down, simplify, just a little, then a little more and eventually it all comes to a stop. The pause button does not exist, rewind is not an option and don't even think about a do-over.

Today will be gone.

9 months

6 years old

I have had my moment. Looking at the pictures of this adorable baby. My first born. Seeing her first smiles, sleeping while we were feeding her, watching her learn to walk, talk and sing. Feeling her need for her Mom. Yesterday she turned six. Yes, she still needs her Mom, but everyday it is less and less. She is independent, strong and wants to try everything herself, testing herself...leaving Mom in the stands.

Of course, I am her biggest cheerleader. To see her growing up so fast makes me appreciate time a little more with my youngest. It helps me find more patience than I know I ever had with her.

There is not a do-over button.