Vacation...

Life is good...so why do I want to sit here and have my own Pity Party?

Have you ever just felt off?

Life something terrible was about to happen, you couldn't figure out what it was but you aren't connecting with anyone and feel totally alone? 

I guess this is a "loaded" question. Can you feel like something is about to happen, to the point that the bottom is going to fall from beneath you -and- you feel totally alone?  It would seem that the bottom already fell if you feel so alone...one would think?

I can't place where my feelings are stemming from. I have a lot of change going on and I hate change, so I just thought maybe that was where my insecurities were arising from? I mean, seriously, I left my job of five years, I am home full time with my girls, who are not making my life easy in any way, shape or form (I am starting to think that this is some kind of initiation and I still haven't passed yet..) and I start a work-at-home job next Thursday and I don't have my office even kind of ready yet. Plus, we are having a birthday party on Sunday (2 days away) and I have a partially finished tiled kitchen floor, no dishwasher, a sink that is now leaking because Hubby pulled the dishwasher and couldn't find a plug for the drain that goes through the dishwasher and my kitchen table is in my living room. I am obsessive compulsive to top it all off and this "project" of my Hubby's was supposed to be wrapped up by now- or so he assured me when I doubted him last Friday when he started this deal. He barely has time to put a row down a day and tomorrow he is getting up and going to a friends diaper party- so guess what- my floor is not - I repeat...NOT going to be down by the party. 

Yes, I am freaking out. I am trying to stay sane and not take it out on him because he is working and I get it.. but do I?  My Dad, yes, I know...bad mojo around that one with the last H E L P that happened..but he offered to help to get things moving faster just so this wouldn't happen!  So needless to say, I am frustrated.  To top it all off, Hubby has been super short with me- like he isn't even talking to me- no hi, morning, how are you doing, I get nothing!  I have been just trying to keep our kids out of his, um... hair.. and keep to myself- which in making me internalize my feelings and now I am about to BURST!

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Plus, I wanted to handle the "office" area- which is non-existent at this point by painting and was curtly told NO! Um, frustrating, because I know by his show of interest, he doesn't care if I have a place to work or not and he is in no way/shape or form going to get moving on that project!

So, tonight I am at my worst! I sent him a text last night asking if I should cancel the party and his reply was that the half tile is better than the cement board we were walking on..really..sure it is but its half done! I mean, seriously, the effin' kitchen table is going to be crooked because it is going to be half on tile and half on cement board. I am having words as we speak..to myself!! I even told him I am frustrated and feeling totally unloved. I get nothing. No response at all... This makes me even more frustrated. 

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Let's be real a moment...I am not great with emotions, I am not great with touchy feeling and all that. When I get upset, I hold it in. I have for years. I have only recently, maybe in the past 3-5 years learned to address my feelings and talk it out to him. Sometimes this goes well, sometimes not so well. Right now I am having a moment, need some attention, love, something and instead he is acting like he doesn't even like  me let alone feeling any love for me.  This happens every once in a while with him, usually it causes a war and then it smooths back over. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I am hurt right now, I am really hurt and I am kind of getting tired of worrying about everything, doing everything and feeling like I have the weight of the world, or at least this entire household on my shoulders. I know that there are a lot of underlying things that are making me project my feelings; up all night due to a 3 year old who is having sleeping issues- of which I handle on my own, taking care of the kids all day, everyday, which includes prepping all meals, handling household chores, even making sure his sandwiches are made for his lunch. I feel like I am doing everything and sometimes a little recognition goes a long way, even maybe just a compliment here or there...instead I get nothing- it makes a girl question her life, her love and herself. 

So right now, at this time, I am having a hard time. I am fighting tears, I am hyper anxiety ridden, I am angry and upset and hurt and in need of adult interaction! I do not regret my decisions to work at home but I haven't even had a chance to prove myself and this is already in my face. I am enduring a lot of change and I do not do well under such circumstances and it affects me very negatively.  My kids are my light. They are driving me crazy but I remember how thankful that I am and blessed that God gave them to me to look after- even at 3 a.m. when I am exhausted! 

I am desperately trying to find my way and thought my partner was by my side. Now I am just not so sure. 

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I am staying positive. I have a new road ahead of me that will make my life easier, my kids life easier and has already made my Hubby's life a little easier. I just pray to God that he looks over us, over me and lets me find my way, sort my ill feelings and hold onto the positives that Life is offering me. I pray to God for my Hubby, that he finds what he is seeking and finds another outlet for his ill feelings and that he has not lost what he once had for me. That one is a tough pill to swallow.  Forever was what we have always said, but in times like these, it makes that journey that much more special. 

Thank you for allowing me to vent. Sometimes just letting my feelings out can relieve my anxiety and help me to find the "way".  I will work on my office alone. I will make it that much more special because it will be my blood, sweat and tears that I pour into that room. I will not let my messy house embarrass me in front of friends and family and hope that all understand the situation. I love my Hubby and appreciate all that he does for us, for our family, the sacrifices that he makes for us. I try to have faith in him- but sometimes I waver. He doesn't care about people seeing our house a disaster, I do. I wish he cared about my feelings in times like these a little. It is what it is, I can't change it, I can't invent time- I can just move on.

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Until next time!

~KEL~ 

It's Hump Day and I feel like I just need a DRINK!?!?!

My Life is changing and I am scared! I am on the verge (days away now) of being a Work At Home Mom and my Kids are driving me crazy!!!

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I don't drink, but I feel like there is a strong possibility that I could after this week!  It has been 5 l o n g days and these kids are driving me insane!!!

How do stay at home Mom's survive this? Does it get easier? 

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I know it is not their fault. I am trying to find my patient bone and relax but the more they are acting up, the more I am ready to fly off the deep end. Thank God for door locks- yes I use them! Don't judge me. I feel that it is better for me to count to 5 behind a locked bedroom door with flying monkey's on the other side than become a stark raving mad Mama!

I was wondering if it is the transition of me being a working Mom, outside of the home..to being at home all the time? Or maybe it is not them at all? (See how my crazy mind works!) I am stressed. I start next Thursday and Hubby is supposed to put a window in the front porch that I am taking over as my Office and has been busy tiling my Kitchen floor. On top of that- and half a tiled floor, I have a 3rd Bday Party for my youngest set to go off on Sunday. Um, that is a little stress. I have my kitchen table in my living room (dundundundundundundundundun...think the Beverly hillbillies!) and tile equipment out in front of my house- like you literally walk over it when you exit my front door. It is ridiculous and has been like this since the weekend. I know, I know..stop bitching Kel...Hubby works 60 hours a week and I dragged him to the bank on Monday and made him pick up the window on Tuesday and he did work on the floor today before work...I just am freaking out because the front porch needs drywall finished, painted and a carpet remnant put down- all before Thursday...I am ready to dive in...but...I can't even get into the room... He crammed the desk I will be using in there and there are some other things from when we moved in that never found a home...and everything is heavy as shit!

Deep Breaths..ON top of that- my kids have been extra Whiny and Nagy and just down right annoying! Like sponges that suck the life right out of me. Plus, they wake me up at 6 a.m. everyday.  Are you kidding me? Guess that is my new time to get my butt up out of bed. 

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Now, do you see why I am crying WINE!!!  Maybe even Cranberry & Vodka?  Captain and Coke? Something... Instead I get fruit2o Lemon Flavor..hmm..doesn't seem to be the same..

I should reflect a moment and say that my children are good kids. I know that they are 5 and 3 and I probably expect way to much out of them, but seriously, when I am on the phone they are notorious for shouting "MOM" from somewhere not far from where this Mom actually is! It is crazy! 

So, I am embarking on my new adventure and I am scared. I keep telling them that if they aren't good I am going back to the office- in which I get genuine tears of worry. I just hope that they can behave during the times when I will have to have them home (which should not be to often) and asleep during the times when I do have to work...life nighttime! How else do you think I blog?  

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Behavior today was contributed with sleep deprivation. I have both these little girls tucked up tight in bed, sound asleep and all before 8:30 p.m.  No wonder they awake at 6 a.m. Oh the joys of parenthood. Others survive, I will to..in due time..with wine...lots of wine..or not. 

Thanks for letting me vent! I get some Mom time now and I am going to suck it dry..since I can't have alcohol. (my choice, I stopped drinking when I was 21. It has nothing to do with anything but my choice)

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Happy Hump Day all!!! 

#enjoyingvaca..

~KEL~

 

T.V. Tuesday...Who is watching

Who is tuning in to Lifetime at 10:00 p.m. tonight to watch Tori Spelling dish about Dean?

In Tori's Words: 

Throughout my life, the tabloids have told every story you could imagine – and they always got it wrong. I needed the chance to tell my own story. At the moment, I don’t know if it will have a happy ending. But I need to get my voice back, and this is my way of doing that.

From Tori's blog: ediTORIal  (http://torispelling.com/2014/04/true-tori/)

In the docu-series, we get to see Tori's point of view in regards to all the gossip in the tabloids.  The show starts when Dean leaves treatment after entering in January for cheating on his wife, Tori with a woman named Emily Goodhand. Emily went to the tabloids about her "relationship" with Dean, in which he said that Emily was "just a warm body." 

We get to see the most difficult period in Tori's life and ultimately see if they stay together. 

Tori is not sure what to do, trust being a huge factor in her decision, and their four children, who she does not want to grow up without Dean in their house. 

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I personally can not wait for this to air tonight and will definitely be tuning in! I have followed these two since Tori & Dean: Inn Love and Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. I thought they were unbreakable. My feelings are that Tori is a good person. I have given her credit for years, she is a great Mom and although she did  have a Nanny, when times were tough she stepped up and took care of her babies. That made her more real to me. (This is my personal thoughts on her as a person)

As for Dean, shame on you my friend. I questioned him when he did the show where Tori got him a diving watch and that chick went out diving with him. Seemed shady... Woman's intuition I think.

Anyways, I can't wait to watch these two again, unfortunate that it is under these circumstances, but hopefully, somehow, they can work through this. I will be honest, it would take hell to freeze over for me. Trust is everything and take that away and you better never leave my side or I will question your ass!

I will update later with my thoughts on the show. 

Happy Tuesday All!

~KEL~ 

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Happy Birthday to my big 3 year old

At 5:21 a.m. today I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. She was put on this earth to show me patience and kindness and pure love. She was so different from her sister in so many ways. She was so independent from the start and even though she was our baby #2 she never ceased to amaze me.

These 3 years have flown by and I thank God everyday for letting me be a part of her life. She is so special to me with her gentle heart and pure kindness and when you pair her with her sister, I know they found one another by their bond.

Kaitlyn, you are my sunshine. You always find a way to keep us laughing with your funny side or your HAPPY personality. I truly do not know what I would do without you. Right now you are transitioning through your terrible twos and helping me find my patience through your outbursts, I understand that you are trying to express yourself whether it's anger or sadness and I will remain by your side to help you find your way. You have been amazing to me as I have watched you grow or when your sweet voice asks "Momma, I just wanna hug you". It melts my heart everytime. You will always be my "Best Friend."

My girls have made me a better person. I will lose my cool more often then I'd like, but I will not forget to laugh in the heat of the moment to reset my own discern.  Kameryn, I love you to the moon and back & Kait, you will always be my sunshine when skies are gray!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl. May all your dreams come true.

Love

~Mom~

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Marriage Monday...The Couple that survives remodeling a home...

The couple that survives remodeling a home...

will be together forever...(true story!)

So, it is October.  We had been "looking" for a bigger house for a few months now. Our luck pretty much seems to go like this, find an awesome house, looks abandoned,  research, find realtor, find out it is to late, someone else already swooped up the property...

One of our friends was talking about this "Old House on Brown Road" and I was instantly like, hmm..I wonder if it is "Gray Gables." Yes, I actually said just that! Hubby doesn't think so, not that he even know what I am talking about- Gray Gables... Then, a few days, maybe...later my Mom calls and says that Gray Gables is on the demo block and they are looking for someone to buy it through the Land Bank- which is a newer program from our county where they accept a set amount of monies for a property, some of them are on the demolition block or what not. 

So, I tell Hubby.. I bring up the county information and he is not very impressed. It is a BIG house, much bigger than ours..I start my sales pitch, sight unseen.  We take a drive, in which I am instantly in love- it is a weird feeling to see yourself living, breathing, waking in a house that in all honesty, at that point, I hadn't even been in yet.  Again, Hubby is rolling his eyes at me. 

Next step is to take the parents to view it. Well, my Parents have a long history with this house, as about seventeen/eighteen years ago, they wanted to buy the house but passed on the house they currently inhabit. This should have been a RED flag for this girl...but I am dumb, apparently!

My Father in Law saw the potential that I was seeing and we basically sold it to Hubby.  I could not help buy talk about the house, like twenty four frickin' seven!  It came down to the wire and Hubby sitting me down and asking me if I want this house. I did.. 

Well, after a bidding war, and some time...it seemed like an eternity, not going to lie!  We got the property! What we were to do next was to be determined, but it was ours.... That was two long, hard years ago! 

How did we survive? Or did we? You might wonder how our relationship is today or how it changed, right? Well, one thing is for sure, it wasn't easy! Between Husband and Wife, everything was manageable. It was tough transforming into a working single Mom, with Hubby taking a layoff from his job to focus on the house full time and not getting home until late. But, we worked through all those obstacles! We even managed to survive our pole barn falling to the ground due to high winds. (That was an iffy time! A Man's pole barn is not something to mess with, especially when he put his own sweat, blood and tears into it..eek!)

Honestly, I think that we hardly fought. We took this project on as a team, decisions were made as a team, a lot of communication happened and we saw eye to eye on a lot of things. So, where was the conflict you ask? It remained elsewhere and stayed elsewhere. We learned well, communication is key, teamwork is a must.  Our relationship became stronger through all of this. We have a marriage. There is not a mine vs. yours, instead this is all ours.  Our thoughts, our dreams came together to build what is today's Gray Gables.  I could not be more proud. I know that everywhere you look there are little things that still need to be done, but any house has something that is left to do. I actually think my Dad says it best when he says that a house will never be truly done...because it just wont!

We are onto our next project- well Hubby is...I get to coral our children while he works ;)

Kitchen floor time! I am super excited! It has been a long time on cement board and my feet are ready to stop stepping on rocks! OUCH!

DuraRock Floor= UGH!

Beginning of Install!!

Again, we had a lot of talks about our pattern, about our spacing and all that good stuff. And yes, it has been two whole days now and a small section is completed, but it is OK. Hubby is working his ass off at his forrealz job too. I am trying to maintain my O.C.D. to the best of my ability. 

Work together folks! Talk, communicate and stay on the same page. Compromise when  you can to meet in the middle, it does work! I promise that.

I have another project that I get to start here in a few days..my office! It will be crunch time, I am sure!!!

~KEL~

Happy Easter!!

Good Morning!

It's early and our house is wide awake!! Why? Well, it's Easter..of course.

The eggs have all been found. The baskets have been turned upside down...um, literally!  My 3 and 5 yo are having fun with bubbles..In the house. (Thank you Hubby..)

I think they must've been good girls because our Easter Bunny was very good to them!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a blessed Sunday.

This is round 1 for my girls, apparently this Bunny visits Nana and Papa too....

Happy Easter!!

~KEL~