Have you ever just felt off?
Life something terrible was about to happen, you couldn't figure out what it was but you aren't connecting with anyone and feel totally alone?
I guess this is a "loaded" question. Can you feel like something is about to happen, to the point that the bottom is going to fall from beneath you -and- you feel totally alone? It would seem that the bottom already fell if you feel so alone...one would think?
I can't place where my feelings are stemming from. I have a lot of change going on and I hate change, so I just thought maybe that was where my insecurities were arising from? I mean, seriously, I left my job of five years, I am home full time with my girls, who are not making my life easy in any way, shape or form (I am starting to think that this is some kind of initiation and I still haven't passed yet..) and I start a work-at-home job next Thursday and I don't have my office even kind of ready yet. Plus, we are having a birthday party on Sunday (2 days away) and I have a partially finished tiled kitchen floor, no dishwasher, a sink that is now leaking because Hubby pulled the dishwasher and couldn't find a plug for the drain that goes through the dishwasher and my kitchen table is in my living room. I am obsessive compulsive to top it all off and this "project" of my Hubby's was supposed to be wrapped up by now- or so he assured me when I doubted him last Friday when he started this deal. He barely has time to put a row down a day and tomorrow he is getting up and going to a friends diaper party- so guess what- my floor is not - I repeat...NOT going to be down by the party.
Yes, I am freaking out. I am trying to stay sane and not take it out on him because he is working and I get it.. but do I? My Dad, yes, I know...bad mojo around that one with the last H E L P that happened..but he offered to help to get things moving faster just so this wouldn't happen! So needless to say, I am frustrated. To top it all off, Hubby has been super short with me- like he isn't even talking to me- no hi, morning, how are you doing, I get nothing! I have been just trying to keep our kids out of his, um... hair.. and keep to myself- which in making me internalize my feelings and now I am about to BURST!
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Plus, I wanted to handle the "office" area- which is non-existent at this point by painting and was curtly told NO! Um, frustrating, because I know by his show of interest, he doesn't care if I have a place to work or not and he is in no way/shape or form going to get moving on that project!
So, tonight I am at my worst! I sent him a text last night asking if I should cancel the party and his reply was that the half tile is better than the cement board we were walking on..really..sure it is but its half done! I mean, seriously, the effin' kitchen table is going to be crooked because it is going to be half on tile and half on cement board. I am having words as we speak..to myself!! I even told him I am frustrated and feeling totally unloved. I get nothing. No response at all... This makes me even more frustrated.
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Let's be real a moment...I am not great with emotions, I am not great with touchy feeling and all that. When I get upset, I hold it in. I have for years. I have only recently, maybe in the past 3-5 years learned to address my feelings and talk it out to him. Sometimes this goes well, sometimes not so well. Right now I am having a moment, need some attention, love, something and instead he is acting like he doesn't even like me let alone feeling any love for me. This happens every once in a while with him, usually it causes a war and then it smooths back over. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I am hurt right now, I am really hurt and I am kind of getting tired of worrying about everything, doing everything and feeling like I have the weight of the world, or at least this entire household on my shoulders. I know that there are a lot of underlying things that are making me project my feelings; up all night due to a 3 year old who is having sleeping issues- of which I handle on my own, taking care of the kids all day, everyday, which includes prepping all meals, handling household chores, even making sure his sandwiches are made for his lunch. I feel like I am doing everything and sometimes a little recognition goes a long way, even maybe just a compliment here or there...instead I get nothing- it makes a girl question her life, her love and herself.
So right now, at this time, I am having a hard time. I am fighting tears, I am hyper anxiety ridden, I am angry and upset and hurt and in need of adult interaction! I do not regret my decisions to work at home but I haven't even had a chance to prove myself and this is already in my face. I am enduring a lot of change and I do not do well under such circumstances and it affects me very negatively. My kids are my light. They are driving me crazy but I remember how thankful that I am and blessed that God gave them to me to look after- even at 3 a.m. when I am exhausted!
I am desperately trying to find my way and thought my partner was by my side. Now I am just not so sure.
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I am staying positive. I have a new road ahead of me that will make my life easier, my kids life easier and has already made my Hubby's life a little easier. I just pray to God that he looks over us, over me and lets me find my way, sort my ill feelings and hold onto the positives that Life is offering me. I pray to God for my Hubby, that he finds what he is seeking and finds another outlet for his ill feelings and that he has not lost what he once had for me. That one is a tough pill to swallow. Forever was what we have always said, but in times like these, it makes that journey that much more special.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. Sometimes just letting my feelings out can relieve my anxiety and help me to find the "way". I will work on my office alone. I will make it that much more special because it will be my blood, sweat and tears that I pour into that room. I will not let my messy house embarrass me in front of friends and family and hope that all understand the situation. I love my Hubby and appreciate all that he does for us, for our family, the sacrifices that he makes for us. I try to have faith in him- but sometimes I waver. He doesn't care about people seeing our house a disaster, I do. I wish he cared about my feelings in times like these a little. It is what it is, I can't change it, I can't invent time- I can just move on.
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Until next time!
~KEL~
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