[PERSONAL POST] As darkness approaches, you will find the light... #mystory
Things are TOUGH. Tougher than I could have imagined.
Looking at my life six (6) short months ago, yeah, the struggle was real- but the happiness filled the air.
Where did that happiness go?
- I wake.
- I work.
- I drive my long commute home.
- I sleep.
You call this living?
Right now, I am low, down, raw with emotion, or lack there of.
I might be somewhere in-between.
I fake happy. I never thought I would ever have to do that.
That is true.
I am alone.
I show signs of life when I am with my girls. They seem to be the light that shines brightest inside my body.
But, that too is short lived, as the time keeps moving forward, days keep passing by faster and faster.
I keep missing.
I am alone.
I have a husband.
I hardly see his face. I hardly hear his voice.
I am alone.
I know that this is true.
I do not think that the bottom has hit yet but I wait in anticipation, as I know that it is not far from this moment in time.
Surely, with this anticipation comes this know.
- I know where I want to be.
- I know where I need to be.
The struggle, however, is that this know if just beyond my reach today.
- Does this mean I give up?
- I relinquish my weapons and retreat from this fight that is slowly killing what is left inside of me?
This is what my Husband calls Drama. I am creating my own drama, or so he says. It is funny how those around us judge us so, and have no idea what we feel, how we are doing or what is happening to our souls. This is disheartening.
But, I have not given up.
I have some fight left and keep giving what I have.
- I am not being selfish.
- I am actually being selfless.
My reasons for wanting to move on are solely in regards to the needs of my family:
- being a wife
- being there for my Husband
- being a Mom
- having my kids be able to depend on my
- handling the needs of the house and all that that beast entails.
Having children has changed me.
- It has changed my identity
- it has changed the way I think
- the way I look at the world
- the way my eyes see things in general
It has changed:
- my wants
- my needs
- my goals in more ways than one.
- I am bitter.
- I am angry.
- I am truly unhappy, to the point that this person who faces you is unbeknownst to me.
The face looking back at me is not the face of the me that
- I want to be
- that I know I am
- that I can be.
Frustration surrounds me.
Aggravation haunts me.
Happiness has left long ago.
I am on an incredible journey though.
The skies are blue and the sun shines bright where I want to be, where I will go.
Life is complicated.
I believe that the world grows darkest, collapses before the sun shines bright again.
This is where I am at.
I am still alone.
This is as raw as I will ever be.
These emotions, this writing is as deep as I go, and yet it will be misconstrued and used to somehow manipulate.
I think that everyone gets to this place at some point in their lives.
It is the way of life.
You need to be reborn in some aspect, and for me, this is that first look into the bright lights.
For me, I write to help with my personal conflicts.
You can image how much I have written in the past six months then, right.
This is my channel, my outlet, to allow me to refocus on myself, gain insight on my feelings and reflect on how I can improve on my emotions.
Those who KNOW me know that I tend to be cold, rather than show any form of emotion. #truestory
My emotions are usually only felt in my writings, or if you really upset me. Yes, it is something that I work on daily. #Elsasyndrome #dontfeelconseal
I have walked down this road of finding myself, trying to understand what my life's goals are, praying to God to lead the way...and, unfortunately, I am usually met with a GIGANTIC road block, which makes me turn around and head back where I started. #oldme
I am on a quest.
I want to be a Substitute Teacher.
Maybe even a real, deal Teacher, since I am literally 7 English classes away from my English Certification in Middle Childhood Education. #whatapity
Well, this process started about a month ago.
I was approached by my Husband (he is a good man) and it took me a whole second to think about it and start the process.
Since then, I have spent A LOT of money, hit two (2) major roadblocks and yet, here I am, giving it my whole fight, not giving up.
I know that
- this is where I am supposed to be
- this is the path that I am to take at this moment and time.
I will prevail past these roadblocks, that much I promise.
For me, this means:
- Being at the school where my children are
- Doing something that I truly love
- Looking towards my future
It has brought questions:
- What do I do if I want to be a real-deal teacher?
- When can I start?
- Can I wait any longer?
And with this, I feel awake.
I am sharing because this is going to happen.
- I know that this is what will fulfill me,
- this is what will make me happy
- this is something that I will be proud of
- this is what I will be at my best.
- this will be my happy.