There is always a road left behind.... 7/13/2015 [a personal post]

Ugh.  Another beginning...to another week.

Monday is coming to a close and all I can say is..boy was today a horrible, terrible, rotten, NO GOOD day..until I got my kiddo's (well, and the Hubby sent me a text!)

This is so difficult for me.  I feel like God has a plan for me, for my life and I am trying to figure out how to make it happen. Is that weird?


I am so confused, so torn about what I need to do...while trying to have patience, trying to let whatever is supposed to happen, well...happen!  Does that even make sense?

Well, the curve ball that I have been thrown is seriously turning in my direction, about to plow right into me.

Am I having a hard time?  Um, YES.  Am I miserable?  Um, YES.  I am a mess!

But on the BRIGHT SIDE: on Saturday, I took my kiddo's to get crafts and I worked no a wreath for my front door and I am in LOVE with how it turned out.  I seriously was HAPPY, I was so myself again making that wreath and I felt wonderfully, exhilarated and full of JOY. Kind of makes a girl start to think..right!

[pictures to follow....in another post! tee-hee]

Well, I am now torn between two brilliant (I might add!)  ideas....

1. Do I start making wreaths and join the Craft Show circuit?

-or

2. Do I start taking in kids to watch (yes, I am in love with this idea! Making a schedule, having circle time, craft time!) and getting some for the school year, since the bus stop is right at the end of our drive?

Then comes the MOST DIFFICULT thing...how do I ask...Hubby?  I mean, I really, really want to quit my J- O- B...it is making me physically ill.  Stress is a MOTHER!


I know...yes, I know that this conversation will NOT be going well.  I wish he could understand where I am coming from.  I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to figure it out, having my family NEVER see me, not being a part of my kids lives, or Hubby's.  I mean, seriously, I don't see my Hubby until the weekends. NO JOKE!  It is seriously making the weekends uncomfortable or awkward because we are not on the same page, we don't see each other and I just feel so...ALONE.


Being ALONE is a hard thing for me. I mean, I feel like I am a single MOM here, and it is HARD. I don't want this LIFE.  And the only one who can fix it, who can make me be a part of my kids lives, my hubby's life..is ME fixing it.  But, I can't be a Stay-At-Home Mom (BOO!) - I have to still earn an income...

So, this is the path I have been on..the path that I have been trying to manage by myself.  I have been trying to find where my heart lies, where my happiness lies.  It has been a journey.  The mind is a powerful thing, one that I am learning to navigate, even at my OLD age!

I have tossed around the whole childcare thing to my Hubby before, and his response was that 'That's ridiculous' and that was hard to swallow, but I feel that maybe that is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I started me educational journey in College, where I was dead set on being a teacher.  I was geared for third or fourth grade with a focus in English and Social Studies.  I put in four (4) years of hard work to come to a wall...a road block and literally stopped me in my tracks!

I ended my journey in year five (5) when I met with my guidance counselor and refocuesed on Business Administration and English, in order to graduate that year.  How is that for a kick in the gut?  It is one that keeps kicking me, twelve (12) years later! 

I just applied for an Alternative Teaching License review, in which I can use the credits I have earned (which I have a lot of!) and take a test in my licensure area and if I pass, I get to teach!  The problem is that the review is taking FOREVER!  I was thinking that I would have heard from the state by now, being that I applied over a month ago.  Yet, here I sit, trying desperately to be PATIENT.  I love kids, I can relate to them, be on their level and think that in a lot of ways, this is what I was destined to be, I just got side-tracked!



So, now it is GO time.  It is time for me to make a choice, two paths and it is time for me to run! Here's hoping that I can get the family on-board!

To our future...

To being a working stay-at-home Mom...

To being happy...

July 11th 2015 [Personal Post]

Sometimes...it's hard to find yourself!


I woke up this morning...exhausted....to two (2) beautiful, smiling, happy little people. 

They were playing, quietly, carrying on to themselves, as I left the warmth of my bed.  Just seeing their faces made my day a little better, a little brighter just because, here I am, getting to spend my day with my two (2) best-est friends, two girls who are caring, compassionate and understanding, two (2) girls who are learning and understanding the world at totally different speeds, in completely different ways, I might add!

And I am the lucky one, I am the one who gets to call those two (2) little girls MY KIDS. 






The week has been a rough one.  I had to head out to Columbus on Wednesday for work, and to say it was not a LONG day would be a complete, blatant LIE! 

I am lucky to have great parents who help me SO much with these two little ladies, who took them for not only Wednesday evening but Tuesday before I left to help me get my stuff done and get some rest...of which I DID!

I survived.  That seems to be what I keep saying when co-workers ask me about my trip.  I drove down there, blind.  I made it.  I found the parking garage I had a key card for..and of course the key card did not work. (Am I surprised...um, NO!)

I got parked, used my Google map on my find to find my destination and showed up on time (early even!)

I made it through the day, knowing one very BIG thing from this experience...it just aint for me.


I made my way home (in pouring, terrenchial rain!) and finally was able to take a breath.

Boy did I miss my kids that night.

The week has been a rough one.  Tears are shed every evening. Alone. By myself where I find myself on a regular basis.








I am working hard to "Find my Way" in this world and trying to keep myself out of the depths of dark despair, that I am finding myself being lured to as time keeps passing by.













But, today is Saturday.  It is a day of FAMILY and I got to spend mine with my two beauties. 

We had breakfast. 

We had Lunch. 

We had a Ninja Turtle hour! 

We went to Hobby Lobby (YESS!) and found some crafts to work on! 

We had Ice Cream. (Score!) and we colored today.



        All in all- it was a GREAT DAY (thanks Fresh Beat Band!)




Here's to hope for a repeat tomorrow.  And here's to hope that I find my way soon! I am a mess right now and need to find ME.

#tocraftsandhobbies
#letscreate
#lovemykidsmorethananything
#buildingwithbulishiisgreat

Junami...yeah its a thing...

Saturday, June 27th 2015

Well in case you didn't know, I live in Ohio. I started my day by waking up to rain. Upon further inspection, I notice a lovely pond in the neighbors back acreage...un, where there is supposed to be a field...which is now missing.

So, as I carry on with my day, and as more rain falls, steadily I might add, this said "pond" has now grown to the front acreage of the neighbors lot.

As I continue with my day, and as we edge towards evening, this rain has yet to simmer down, let alone STOP, and as I look out back of my own acreage I can see a SHOCKING scene unfolding.

Our drains have now backed up and my pond has grown (yes, an actual, real pond) and the drive to our pole barn (behind our house) is now covered with a third "pond" . 

UT oh!

Houston....we have a problem.

Hubby jumped to his feet, panic and a few choice curse words lingering in his dust as he grabbed the old fire boots my Dad had left at our house.

The news was not good. Upon opening the pole barn door, Hubby was greeted with as much water as he had traps ed through to get to his destination.

The problem...well my beautiful cherry vanity for our master bath was now sitting in about 7-8 inches of standing water. Cabinets for our laundry room were in the same boat.

We had to call in reinforcements to help lift the incredibly heavy furniture up and onto blocks before it was all ruined.

By the time we had the kids in bed the water was rising. It was a quick thinking move for Hubby to put his 63' Impala up, due to the water now half covering the exhaust.

Junami your a mother ... 

It only got worse...we checked on our basement....and it was wet...eek!

The nightmare began again.  The sump pump was pumping was working OT and struggling.

All is well, as the impeding water finally, slowly, started to dissipate.

But, we still have the seemingly uphill battle with the pole barn as our pond became one with our backyard and still water is what is left, causing issues with our Boom Lift, the cars and our stuff.

This blows!

Mother Nature needs a drink cause she has lost her Damn mind ...

To bed I go, to try and get some sleep. Let's hope the water drains by the morning...maybe we can salvage some of our stuff still.

Signing off from the SS Gray Gables ship at sea, Junami survive...I hope...2015.

~Kel

SATAN is stealing my Mom Thunder

Motherhood...it's a gift from God..until Satan shows his face.

You all know what I am talking  about. Everything is coming up roses, things are going good, the day is special, even. 

Then, it's suddenly bath - time, which you have called out three (3) times now to children who are not listening. You look in the overflowing laundry bin and start thinking in your head that you could get these dirty children in the tub, throw a load of laundry in, only to discover that your dryer is full of clothes that have now been sitting for two (2) days...and your washer is also full. Eek!

This is when yelling, temper tantrum's, door slamming, and foot stomping begins.

And all this M A D N E S S and A N G E R?  Well, it wasn't even from the kids.  Nope. It was me. 

The Mom. 

The one who bit off more than she could chew, in that short half-an-hour time span. The one who left those clothes...sitting in the washer AND dryer. The one who broke her kids away from playing nicely and so quiet to jump in the tub, and the one who lost her patience..and mind...thinking it would be a great idea to multi-task.  It was me who was loud, obnoxious,  and a downright scary human being that entered when I had just had more than I could physically handle.

This is the kind of thing that happens when we allow SATAN in. He literally steals our thunder!

This isn't the mistakes we make that he appears. It isn't forgetfulness, either. He comes when it happens, the things that go on inside that no one else can see coming. And it is he who knows just how to get to you.

He loves it when you yell at the kids. He thrives on you complaining about all the things you need to get done regardless of how many people are in your home. He loves it when you wish you were the Mom wearing Skinny jeans, heels, with great hair and well-behaved kids, who listen. 

 

Satan likes when you ignore your children because your on the phone, or when you hide your true feelings, dreams, and frustrations from your Husband with weak replies like, "I'm fine" or "everything is OK." He knows you feel like this life is out of control, or your not living up to someone else's expectations of how your life should be. Satan loves it when your unstable.

News flash: Satan wants you to fail. He wants you to feel inadequate.

I might as well leave my front door unlocked and let a burglar right in. I mean, why not?  I let Satan in, after all. 

Then, after all the fussing, nagging and utter exhaustion...I sat with my kids and I did a 360.

I apologized. I was so sorry for my I'll behavior and I meant it. It was a rough day, contrary to their beliefs. These amazing little girls told me they understood, that some days are not good. Can you imagine? 

Crocodile tears streamed down my face.

What have I become?

Satan...

My girls worked together to cheer me up. They talked about the dinner we had and how we were laughing and joking. They talked about how we painted outside a few weekends ago and how much fun they had!

The dark cloud of Satan had been turned to the light, banishing him.

(Take That Satan!)

So, for today, I am locking my door, tight. I have banished the evil that once was from my mind, body and soul.

Today, I am thinking of God, who blessed me with two (2) amazing little girls. God, who guides me in the right directions even when I am lost. God, who gave me a Partner, a Best Friend, a Husband,  of which I love with all I have.

As for that laundry...I finished it, all.

I took a breath, found some patience, took notes and am working on keeping Satan out of my soul.

This life is yours. It doesn't matter what others think. Do your best, feel good about it, cherish the moments, as they go by fast and capture the memories.  

I wish to forget our very bad, horrible half-hour playdate with Satan, in its place putting a happy family with smiles and stress free faces.

Hold your kids tight! Your a great Mom. This gift of motherhood is from the life-giver...not the liar!

And when all else fails, breathe, apologize and remember that tomorrow is another day!

~Kel

Diary of a...ehh... "GOOD WIFE" ?

What does that even mean?  What is the definition of a (quote/unquote) Good Wife?

Isn't every relationship different? Doesn't every couple finds their place in regards to roles and what works...or doesn't?

Are you dying and trying to live up to these Good Wife standards?

WELL....WAKE UP...THIS IS AN UNATTAINABLE GOAL.

Whew...sorry for the yelling, but it needed to be said.

I love the reads about being a "Good Wife" or a "Being a More Godly Wife" and don't even get me started on "Motherhood" because that's a whole other can of worms.

I am guilty of setting the bar high in these two areas, alone. Desperately trying to find this fairy tale castle where I am not only spotless, full of energy but doting as well.

I am a long way from this image!

Instead I am working my ass off to take my kids on a vacation...you know, outside of our vanity or general area...i.e. Disney.

I am working my ass off so that we can pay our property tax and possibly...quite possibly... fix my big old SUV so it stops clunking around town.

I don't see my Hubby... Monday - Friday (two ships passing in the night, type thing) and I literally get three (3) hours time with my kids each week night evening.

So, based on these tidbits, I would define myself as a Failure in the Good Wife category...let alone Good Mom category.

But, of course, this is based on someone else's standards, right.

This is where those little things that everyone talks about come into play. You see, I might not see my Hubby, or talk to him, but I make sure I text him...something everyday.

I make sure that I tell him I love him.

Is it enough....hell no, but it is something that I stay religious with. (Seriously, I just want to kiss his face!)

I make sure I tell my kids I love them, whether they are sleeping, or if it's my late weeks and I get to at least see their faces that morning.

Am I a failure?

Well, no.

I'm doing what I have to right now. Trust me, it hurts....like hell to not be here for my family. It down right SUCKS. But. I don't have a choice.

This is where my prayers to help my family get through this time and a wish for a better road ahead come in.

Dang it! It's hard when you just want to be a Mom/ Wife...but you have this thing...called WORK that just gets in your way!

Make your own definition. Create your own standards.

And, keep your head up!

~Kel