By: Kel Amstutz03/28/2017
She was born and my world, our world, has changed forever. I remember looking at her little face, being amazed and enamored all in the same at this tiny human that join our world, that I was entrusted to take care of, to teach and help learn and grow.
Trust me, it has not been a picnic, we have messed up royally in this short span of time, but it's no wonder.
I mean, have you ever just looked at your child, really looked at them, past the cuteness that is on the surface and just knew that they had been here before, in some way, shape or form?
An Old Soul.
This is my oldest. She is sassy, to smart for her own good, opinionated, outspoken at times, stubborn as all get out, and by goodness, when she thinks that she is right, SHE IS RIGHT!
I blame this on the fact that this world, to her, has already been experienced. She teaches me things on a regular basis. She has bypassed the days of toys and wants to learn technology, science, words in books. The things is, she has always been like this. Never a true child, not really. She has always been thirsty for knowledge but not surface knowledge, nope, not her, she wants to dig further, deeper into the more complex issues.
Her purpose might not be known just yet, but I promise you this, that girl has purpose. She was not put back on this planet to just be, she was put here to do.
Raising a child with an old soul, well, can be a humbling experience, to say the least. I remember when she was little, maybe two or so, trying to hide something that I was feeling down and out about. She kept looking at me. I, of course, pretended to smile and act like everything was A-OK, as usual. She reached up, touched my cheek, looked into my eyes and told me it would be ok. She was just a baby, but she looked at me like she understood, which I have no doubt that she did. This has continued, she has always been my kid that will say, "Mom needs a break." This is often followed with her taking her sister into the next room, to occupy her for a few minutes.
It goes beyond just this, as the connection that she holds with her little sister is stronger than I could have ever imagined. Sure, they don't get along all the time, but her sister will fall down and it is my oldest who runs to her, cries with her, comforts her, and is there for her, truly.
The conversations that we have, although not always flowers and blue skies, because, let's face it people, this world is not an awesome place, are intense and deep, things that even today she stops to ask about, as she is still processing things that we discussed two years ago.
Of course, she can be a pill sometimes, because at the end of the day, she is still a tiny human, after all. She can be the bossiest of sisters and often tried to be the third parent in our household, which gets her into trouble! And, she is messy, like messier than messy and can never find anything, like ever! She rolls her eyes consistently, especially when I ask her to stop bossing, and her mouth talks back, and most recently, under her breath in most moments. But, this is eight!
Then, she looks into my eyes when we are talking and I start to think about the world, life, souls, where we came from and where we are going. She is a constant reminder, everyday, how lucky, how blessed I am that God put her in my care. She is calm when chaos happens, she worries about the BIG things and the little things, she bears a hug at just the right moment and she is a mad loomer, even if this Mama finds tiny rubber bands of every color of the rainbow ALL OVER THE HOUSE!
I worry about her old soul.
I worry that her big heart will be broken, a lot. She loves with her all.
I worry that this world, this one that is so different from the one her old soul lived, will take away some of the uniqueness of my girl.
I worry that she feels to much and this world, which is overwhelming and scary will swallow her up.
And, I especially worry that I have absolutely no idea what in the world I am doing as a parent. I don't think my own soul is as old as hers.
So, here I sit, doing my best to raise my old soul. She is many things, some still surprise me regularly.
She tells me often that 'we all get two lives, one before and one after'. Maybe someday, I too will know what that means.
I love you more, Kiddo!
Love ~ Mom
