It's Marriage Monday in a man's perspective..
I get my Hubby to dish on Marriage. It's interesting to see relationships through his eyes or hear his feelings. Men process things so very different from Woman...
It is a Sunday evening and as I sit and watch T.V. with my Hubby, after a long day and his only day off, he asks me about my blog (imagine my surprise to even know he remembers this little blog thing!) and I tell him tomorrow is Marriage Monday. He then proceeds to tell me his perspective on the "whole marriage" thing. ( I asked him to write this but I got a funny face...it's to real for him, I suppose!)
So, I asked him what he had to say about Marriage and his first words were, "Make sure you know what you are getting into." I was like, "Huh?" I obviously didn't get it! His explanation was simple, be together 5 years, buy a house together and if everything is working, take the giant marriage leap.
I could take offense here, I probably should, but I guess the reality is that we dated, we lived together at his Dad's for a year or so and then decided to buy a house. Five years total into our relationship he "popped" the question with a big diamond ring and that was eight years ago.
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| My Ring- handcrafted by Hubby and I |
I asked him to elaborate his feelings into a relationship, that is not ours...He just said that he feels that in five years you are going to "hammer" out the big issues and find resolutions or move on. I guess for guys, it is just that easy! I guess this answer is better than the "Just Don't Do It" joke that he frequently goes to!
His views on marriage are his own, I totally agree with that and he is entitled to this opinion. He confides in me that he never really thought he would ever get married , or have kids. He then follows up with, "then I met you." I know that his mind is indifferent when it comes to the whole "Everything happens for a reason" mentality that his wife lives her life by, but I think that somewhere he knew when we started "dating" - which I use loosely... that we were supposed to be together. He knows it was not easy. Is it supposed to be? It is about learning and figuring out life and the other person. I just think that if you are with someone who makes you happy and makes you a better person and makes you want to stay with them, they must be worth it. These, however, are my words, not Hubby's. His views are much simpler, he does not "over think" it, as I tend to. He just said that he really liked me, then he loved me and we were having fun and kept having fun and the love kept growing and here we are. (It's so gosh darn romantic, ain't it... hmm..I like my answer better.)
We have friends that are having a baby and I asked if/when they were going to get married, to Hubby. He said, "Um, probably not." I don't understand this and am probably naive in this subject, but in the words of my Hubby, "You don't need to get married just because your having a kid. I am sure they will try to make it work because of the kid but I don't know if marriage is in {his} future." So, this makes me ask why he married me, how he knew it was all of a sudden in his future when he had told me that he never saw himself getting married. I get an answer I don't really expect, especially after the hum-dingers I got above. His reply was, "I love you and knew I wanted to spend my life with you, no one else but you. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it and knew it was time to settle down. It was like we were already married anyways, the piece of paper did not change anything between us, just put some sparkle on your finger." Awww...He does have a romantic bone! Ha Ha.
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| Google Image- This is totally something my Hubby would do! |
He has been talking to our friend as mentioned above and I guess there is a lot of nagging going on and they are just not getting along on all levels. My Hubby tells him that if it is worth it to find a compromise. He also refers him to my blog. (My Promoter!)
I am going to put my two cents in here.. There are rules ladies. I know it is hard when you are expecting and hormones are all over the place, but to be in a relationship (not a marriage) and to be expecting, I feel, not from experience, would be overwhelming. I do feel that Hubby and I had a strong marriage going into parenthood, which in turn strengthened our bond and caused a lot less headaches. I am not, nor will I ever say that we never fought or had disagreements or even that I never nag, truth be told, I have, we have, it has happened. I can say that I have grown and learned along the journey that these things will neither solve problems, not help your relationship. This nagging thing is a big issue and I think that sometime people need to flip the script and put themselves in their partners shoes, whether you are married or not. Nagging is a pain and I would not want to be nagged and I will not be doing the nagging. It is also important to remember that you are not in a relationship by yourself. You need to maintain respect and appreciate the person who shares this life with you and do not take it for granted.
Another big one, one that I am sure everyone goes through when they walk down parenthood, is the resentment. I harbored so much resentment for so long when our kids were babies because I felt that I was the one doing everything, including getting up all night with babies to feed them and maintaining my job, which required me to be at work by 5:30 a.m. I felt that I was sacrificing everything, including my life and Hubby got to sleep, sleep in on weekends too, and was not weighted down with the kids all the time. Just to write this makes me think back to those times, they were not pleasant. Those were the hardest times in our relationship for me because i did not know how to express my feelings or fix the situation and it caused a lot of stress in our lives. I have since expelled my distasteful feelings and traded them for gratefulness and appreciation for my spouse, who did not understand what I was feeling or going through, but was patient with me and remained by my side through my learning process.
I am not sure how I came to terms with my "role" but I think it might be just that. I have read about roles, and studied them until I truly understood what my role was and where my place lies. I did not do this alone either. This was a process that Hubby and I both had to go through and it has brought the best out in both of us and taught us that this is a team and one person does not, or should not, go through anything alone. It was a tough lesson though, let me tell you.
So, thinking back on these times, I ask Hubby, if we did not get married would we have survived. He simply replies, "NO." There is no explanation needed. I know he is right. It would be easy to throw in the towel at that point of our relationship because without the bond of marriage and vows, what would the point be to stand by, essentially in the dark, which is where I unintentionally kept my poor Hubby.
I am proud of the things I have learned, especially over the past few years and how I have really embraces my Wife role, as well as my Mom role. It is important to work with your Hubby and make your marriage everything you wanted it to ever be. But it all goes back to those four letter words that surround us, that we do everyday, W O R K. I think Hubby said it best when he said, "Don't get Married unless you are willing to fight for it, cry for it, laugh at it and WORK for it!"
We keep working and keep finding more and more happiness and that is what life is all about in my eyes!
| Google Image. |
Thanks Hubby for putting your WORD in my ear! I love you more than you will ever know and appreciate all you do for our family and for me. I am one lucky girl, I get to grow old with you, my Lover and my Best-est Friend in the whole world! GO US!
~KEL~
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