Life at Gray Gables: There is always a road left behind.... 7/13/2015 [a personal post]

Ugh. Another beginning...to another week.

Monday is coming to a close and all I can say is..boy was today a horrible, terrible, rotten, NO GOOD day..until I got my kiddo's (well, and the Hubby sent me a text!)

This is so difficult for me. I feel like God has a plan for me, for my life and I am trying to figure out how to make it happen. Is that weird?

I am so confused, so torn about what I need to do...while trying to have patience, trying to let whatever is supposed to happen, well...happen! Does that even make sense?

Well, the curve ball that I have been thrown is seriously turning in my direction, about to plow right into me.

Am I having a hard time? Um, YES. Am I miserable? Um, YES. I am a mess!

But on the BRIGHT SIDE: on Saturday, I took my kiddo's to get crafts and I worked no a wreath for my front door and I am in LOVE with how it turned out. I seriously was HAPPY, I was so myself again making that wreath and I felt wonderfully, exhilarated and full of JOY. Kind of makes a girl start to think..right!

[pictures to follow....in another post! tee-hee]

Well, I am now torn between two brilliant (I might add!) ideas....

1. Do I start making wreaths and join the Craft Show circuit?

-or

2. Do I start taking in kids to watch (yes, I am in love with this idea! Making a schedule, having circle time, craft time!) and getting some for the school year, since the bus stop is right at the end of our drive?

Then comes the MOST DIFFICULT thing...how do I ask...Hubby? I mean, I really, really want to quit my J- O- B...it is making me physically ill. Stress is a MOTHER!

I know...yes, I know that this conversation will NOT be going well. I wish he could understand where I am coming from. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to figure it out, having my family NEVER see me, not being a part of my kids lives, or Hubby's. I mean, seriously, I don't see my Hubby until the weekends. NO JOKE! It is seriously making the weekends uncomfortable or awkward because we are not on the same page, we don't see each other and I just feel so...ALONE.

Being ALONE is a hard thing for me. I mean, I feel like I am a single MOM here, and it is HARD. I don't want this LIFE. And the only one who can fix it, who can make me be a part of my kids lives, my hubby's life..is ME fixing it. But, I can't be a Stay-At-Home Mom (BOO!) - I have to still earn an income...

So, this is the path I have been on..the path that I have been trying to manage by myself. I have been trying to find where my heart lies, where my happiness lies. It has been a journey. The mind is a powerful thing, one that I am learning to navigate, even at my OLD age!

I have tossed around the whole childcare thing to my Hubby before, and his response was that 'That's ridiculous' and that was hard to swallow, but I feel that maybe that is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I started me educational journey in College, where I was dead set on being a teacher. I was geared for third or fourth grade with a focus in English and Social Studies. I put in four (4) years of hard work to come to a wall...a road block and literally stopped me in my tracks!

I ended my journey in year five (5) when I met with my guidance counselor and refocuesed on Business Administration and English, in order to graduate that year. How is that for a kick in the gut? It is one that keeps kicking me, twelve (12) years later!

I just applied for an Alternative Teaching License review, in which I can use the credits I have earned (which I have a lot of!) and take a test in my licensure area and if I pass, I get to teach! The problem is that the review is taking FOREVER! I was thinking that I would have heard from the state by now, being that I applied over a month ago. Yet, here I sit, trying desperately to be PATIENT. I love kids, I can relate to them, be on their level and think that in a lot of ways, this is what I was destined to be, I just got side-tracked!

So, now it is GO time. It is time for me to make a choice, two paths and it is time for me to run! Here's hoping that I can get the family on-board!