Marriage Monday..How do you know if you are ready for Marriage?
How do you know if you are ready for Marriage?
Is there a secret club? How about a Manual, maybe titled something like, "How you know you are ready to tie the know?", or maybe a bubble appears over your head that says ready?
Unfortunately, none of the above exists. Wouldn't it be great if it did though? Marriage can be so scary, and sound so final. It can also be so emotional and so endearing, depending on time, feelings, bonds, communication and where you are in your life.
A friend of mine, recently disclosed some information about her Cousin. They were just married last July, after knowing each other less than a year. They were engaged on New Year's Eve and married while expecting. They have since had the baby and the problems that started on the wedding day have increased since baby. They had some issues with the brides parents and some control issues and now that baby is here they have argued about everything from circumcision, not allowing his mother to watch the baby while the bride/mom is at work, all the way to having the in laws stay with them in their 2 bedroom apartment when they came home from the hospital with baby for two entire weeks. (Yikes! Talk about close quarters! I did not want anyone around when I had my first!)
Now, they are not getting along at all because bride/mom lied about some student loan debt, or failed to tell spouse/cousin and she flees every weekend for her hometown with her Mom and Dad while he works. There seem to have a lot of issues that go deeper, such as, she doesn't cook, clean, he does his own laundry, he does all the grocery shopping and gets up during the night to get baby to bring baby to her so she can breastfeed. And he works where my Hubby works, which is a ten hour shift job six days a week!.. (Are you serious right now?)
These two kids didn't live together before marriage, did not get to know one another's habits and to top off the struggles of living with someone, just one person, they introduced a baby three months after they started living together as husband and wife. (EEK!)
I am the first person to say, "To each their own" but in this case, I look at it like this, if this were my daughters, ahh hell no, this would not be because they will cook, clean, take care of the home and know how to do housewife things (although I hope that they find relationships where they can share duties with their spouses! TIP: If you surprise your girl by doing "her" chores, you will get laid) because I believe that it is important for them to know how to do these things for when they are a mother. I also believe they should know how to change oil/tires, unlatch their car's hood and know how to work a lawn mower too!
But, back to my thought, I would not want my girls to go blindly into a marriage. I lived with my Hubby before we were married. We physically purchased a home before we were married or engaged for that matter. We had been together for five years before Hubby decided to "Go to Jared's." We experienced life before we took a leap. And guess what, after having baby, it was still hard! I think that only thing that we have gone through that has not been a challenge was owning our own business and this grand project we like to call Gray Gables. This project, which is still unfinished, has been anything but a challenge for us. If anything, it has really brought us together and taught us how to work together as a team and communicate. (ask anyone and they will surly say the opposite of their own relationships during remodeling!)
So, how do you know your ready? For us, it was like we were already married. The piece of paper and the ring just was a vow before God and our family, but we were already living like a married couple and even after the wedding, we still remained the same, in all things.
I found a quote from ANON that is amazing:
The more you invest in a marriage,
the more valuable it becomes.
Men who have a pierces ear are
better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and
bought jewellery. Newlyweds become
oldyweds, and oldyweds are the
reasons that families work. A
successful marriage requires
falling in love many times, always
with the same person. Marriages
are made in heaven. But so are
thunder, lightening, tornadoes and
hail. Marriage is the alliance
of two people, one whom never
remembers birthdays and the
other who never forgets them.
Happy marriages begin when we
marry the ones we love, and
they blossom when we love the
ones we marry. Never go to bed
mad. Stay up and fight. The
secret to a good marriage is
understanding that it must be
total, it must be permanent and
it must equal . Love never gives
up, never loses faith, is always
hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance. Marriage is
more than finding the right
person. It is becoming the right
person. A heart in love hears
music even when their is silence.
I think that this is an amazing piece. It says everything that I truly believe. As you know if you read my blog, my Marriage is no different than anyone else's. We struggle, we have ups and downs, but at the end of the day we are on the same page and have learned, after almost thirteen years together, what works for the other and how to solve our problems instead of just letting them simmer. I think that in the above the truest saying is Never go to bed angry. Fight it out! You have to or else you never really solve the issue, you just bury and trust me, it will resurface.
For the couple I spoke of above, I think that they need to see a marriage counselor, they have deep rooted issues and they are at the point where the bride threatens child support. That is a red flag that they are doomed if they don't seek help. How do you move on from those words. I always lived by the rule, thanks Dad, that there is one place you don't go unless you really mean it! You don't bring up Divorce! Now, I have faltered before, especially after having a child, it was hard. I was Mommy and getting up at night and with baby all day and that was my life. I broke more than once, dealing with baby, hormones and hubby and I know that those words were spoken, by both parties and it hurts. It still hurts today that they were spewed in a moment of weakness. We were able to sit down, rationally, and talk about our feelings and find a way to make it through. Guess what, we didn't make the mistake twice.
I have grown personally in the past year also. With baby #2, we were calmer, and our roles were defined. I think that you have to have defined roles in any relationship. This was a hard thing for me to swallow because I wanted equality a crossed the board. (Yea, right!) It wasn't until I sat down and looked at the definition of a wife, I looked at what God intended of me as a wife, and how other wife's find peace and placement in a marriage that I understood, I comprehended and now I live my life by my idolization of those woman who are Godly and Great wife's to their husbands. I like to do-things for my Hubby because I love him. I make his lunch everyday before he goes to work, not because I have to, or because he "expects" it, but because I know that when he has that lunch that I prepared, he will think of me. I feel good about that. This has taken me so long to find, to get to this place and in finding this, I found a happier me. Guess what, happy wife, happy life..or so they say!
Hopefully these two kids above can find a way to make it all work. I guess the kicker is that there is rumor that bride might be preggers again. (AHH!)
Good luck to them, good luck to you and hopefully we can all find a Happy Marriage together through God.