When you're little, you dream about your future, the way your life is going to happen. The reality is that people come, people go, only leaving an imprint on your life, a shadow of the place they once stood. Time goes by so fast, we are all just going through the motions that life guides us through, until one day, we are able to finally reflect on those events and come to the realization that while life is good today, tomorrow we might endure yet another struggle, another hurdle to overcome. We just do it, going through the motions of life, hoping for an easier ride, praying for peace of mind and for a better day tomorrow.
I doubt the Cinderella deals with the Prince and his differing ways of raising children, or the argument that occurs when your washer and dryer are uprooted to your kitchen for a week and you have laundry coming out of your ears and he just doesn't understand.
I have been with my Hubby for over twelve years now and while we still have more good days than bad, it is always a journey. I can't say that I honestly expected my life to be the way it is, and I in no way, shape or form mean that in a negative way. I can remember looking at the future and imaging a life of me taking care of the kids, acting goofy, eating dinner as a family with silly faces and lots of giggles, busting out Cosby style in a reenactment of RESPECT and just laughing more than anything else.
This is NOT my reality! Hubby expects kids to eat at the table, no talking, no laughing, no milk bubbles. He doesn't understand girls are sensitive, even when my 4 YO says she cant stop crying he still wants to scream and yell at her to STOP. I am a protector. The root of alot of our problems. We are not on the same team. He doesn't think I discipline and i spoil rather than teach. I think that he is grumpy and treats them like they are a burden, instead of a joyful blessing. I have my moments, I never ignore that, but I do have patience and when I am at my breaking point it is due to the fact that I am with them 17 hours a day. I honestly can't remember the last time Hubby was with them for even 8 hours a day. I have told him, crying, that I don't want them to remember their childhood being afraid of him or Dad always yelling. It scared the shit out of me. I also don't want them to remember em like that either and when i get to that point I verbalize the fact that i am getting very upset and I am not joking.
Funny how we waited so long to have kids and when we do, it is an uphill struggle. But, as I said above, I just hold true to the belief that tomorrow will be better.
Our relationship is good otherwise. We are adjusting to not seeing each other, but it is what it is at this time in our lives. We both HAVE to work right now. I pray that my day is coming where I can be at home with my girls. I feel like i am missing so much of Kamee's Pre-K years, not being able to take her or pick her up, meet her teachers or participate in school parent volunteer activities. I try to be realistic though and realize that staying at home might not be in my cards.
Hubby and I are the best of friends, just wish we could be a parent team. Maybe someday, like when they are over 18- LOL!
Right now, I am thankful for my Hubby. He has given us this house, his blood, sweat and tears. I love this house, I love my family being in this house and although I am still praying to God for patience on its completion, I am thankful for the construction and creativity that this house has given us, even though the roads have been less than easy. (luckily it hasn't been with hubby, we remained a team through it all!)
Tonight, I am feeling very lonely, more so than usual. I am burnt out with my girls and a little pissed off at Hubby, because, to be frank, he just doesn't get it.
Yesterday I asked if I could run to the grocery store (Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are bare! And our darn Milk Curdled- GROSS!) and you would have thought I asked him for a million dollars. I got a song and dance act about how much he has to do and how dare I ask him that. I just wanted some peace and quiet. I walked away, he tried to confront, I told him to leave it be, I wasn't arguing with him, he told me I don't talk to him about anything and to find someone else to talk to... I kept my mouth shut! This is so hard for me, but I am getting SO good at getting 'picking my battles!'
I thought about it last night, crying in the shower (don't know what the deal is with crying in the shower, but seems to be my MO!) - I chose this life, I chose to be a Mom, and while I love it and could NOT imaging my life without my girls, Home girl needs to break sometimes, right?
But, I sacrifice, take one for the team, again and sucked it up, only to run to the store today. I not only worked (I leave for work so early in the morning) I picked up my girls and headed to the chaotic world of grocery! I tried to keep everyone cool, calm and focused. I had a whooper of a list too! Got it done, loaded my car in 29* weather- freezing, with lovely, cold wind. Then, home I am, to unload it all, while two children sit on the couch screaming for a snack! Then it was putting it all away and since it was too late by then, bundled up the girls and ran to McDonald's for a quick dinner. the best part was pulling into the driveway as "All I want for Christmas" came over the radio- in which my two ladies and I sang at the top or our lungs. Its true, all I want for Christmas is you, baby! (that goes to my girls and of course, my hubby!- at the end of the day I still could not imaging myself with ANYONE else) My life is so interesting, isn't it!
I'm living a dream here. Its not a bad life by any means, it is just like any other life, its chaotic, its ridiculous at times, trying, happy, sad, crazy and full of drama. I guess this is my Happily Ever After, after all. I just need to help it along a little.
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